Tough Skin

I have tough skin. It's very hard for you to say something that will hurt my feelings. I'm not sure that I even had feelings until I was 21 or so. I grew up in such a way that you hid your emotions and you weren't allowed to show weakness. I'm not trying to sound like a Spartan or like a tough guy. I remember crying in Wal-Mart around the age of 3 or 4 because I couldn't have a toy that I wanted. I was throwing a tantrum. My father stood over me and enlightened me to the fact that men don't cry. I was a poor excuse for a 3 year old man. In grade school, if someone made fun of you, you don't let them know they're words hurt. I think this can make you numb if given enough time and practice. I remember being made fun of and how my response was to always find a creative way to hurt them more. If someone cuts you, you cut them back. Perhaps this is why I have tough skin. Mama jokes don't bother me. Daddy jokes don't bother me. You making fun of my beliefs, calling me ignorant, calling me names, none of that bothers me. Sometimes, I even think it's funny myself. Maybe I just don't take myself very serious. Maybe you can become immune to insults. I'm not really sure what it is. It's not that I don't register what the other person is saying, I just don't care. I could careless what most people think about me. I spent the first 19 years of my life trying to please people and trying to live up to their standard. It's a losing game. I realized that I'd never be the person that everyone wanted me to be. I don't think we as humans are designed to be able to handle that load. So, I relied on my tough skin. I honestly believe that sometimes it's a blessing and a curse. I'm not afraid of saying things that seem controversial. I don't mind telling the truth. This seems like a good characteristic to have in my profession. If I hear of another pastor who refuses to tell the truth because he doesn't want to offend anyone, I'm going to punch myself in the throat. But, I also have a tendency to bottle things up and not process them which only results in an eventual explosion of frustration. You know, the desire to break something or kick a puppy (just kidding, i would never break something for no good reason). By the way, did I mention that having tough skin usually breeds sarcasm? I recently had one of those moments where I wanted to exploded. I have quickly learned that in ministry, like life, you simply can't please everyone. I once thought people only twisted the words of famous people like Martin Luther, John Calvin, Mark Driscoll, John Piper, or perhaps Jesus? But I now see that all leaders have a bullseye painted on their chest. I've had people misquote me, twist my words, make up half-truths, make up complete fabrications, criticize, critique (this one is especially comforting when coming from a person who doesn't contribute to the kingdom other than their presence in a pew on Sunday morning. thx for your service.) If you're like me, you want to be able to sulk when you're mad. You just want to put on some country western music and be miserable. I just want the chance to be angry. I just wanted to be angry today. In a moment of weakness, when I didn't have my guard up, God slipped a bible into my hands and the pages landed on Romans. I love the book of Romans. My ESV has stained pages in Romans from the fingers constantly turning there. I started in Romans chapter 12. Bad move if you want to sulk and be angry at people. You ever wanted to be angry about something and then God tricks you into reading Romans ch. 12? Clever move Yahweh. You got me again. I even asked God why He let me read that. I just wanted to be angry for a little while, "I promise I won't kick any puppies." But He wouldn't relent. For some reason, I had to read it over and over and over and over, then I read it from The Message, over and over. I'm starting to think there's a point He's trying to teach me. Maybe? I literally asked, "Why can't you just let me be mad for a little while? And why did you make me read that? Why do I have to love people like that? Why do I have to do hard things?" I'm just being honest. I hope my blog is a safe place to be honest. So, I asked God these questions and I heard Him speak as clear as day. He simply said, "Because I love you." Can you believe that? I almost got mad again. I'm seriously upset and best explanation as to why I shouldn't exercise my right and desire to be mad is, "Because I love you."???? But then I got it. He loves me. That's enough. He loved me when he had every right to be angry with me and every right to hate me for the things I had ever thought, said, or done. A love like that is a little scary. It's scary to love things that seem unlovable or the things that it hurts to love. But that's what He did. I don't think I can be mad anymore. It's hard to stare at an ocean of forgiveness and refuse to give any to your neighbor. If I'm honest, I have a job that would require me to explain God's love for humanity. How can I explain something that I don't understand myself? I can't communicate it to you, I can only choose to love back. I don't want to look at the ocean anymore, I want to dive in. I echo the words of 1 John 4:19, "We love because He first loved us." I talked to my friend and fellow blog contributor Petey Parker about this. He believes God will work into your life the truth of your own messages. I've been asking our students recently to give love freely to all, regardless of race, sexuality, popularity, belief, or deeds. Petey tends to think that God is trying to teach me something in this. He tends to think those messages were more for me than my students. That Jesus fellow is crafty. I realize ministry leaders will be ever be in the public eye. People will watch my life like a hawk trying to find a reason to criticize me and ruin my reputation. Even the hick pastor of a rural church in the middle of nowhere will face this difficult road. Praise God for tough skin and grace that sustains. I assume I could be anywhere working any other job under the sun, but I put my hand to the plow and I'm not planning on looking back sucka! (if you don't understand what sucka is, i suggest you watch this!)